A young Jamaican yute, Errol, asks his step-dad for some help. He says, '

Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?'

His step-father looks up thoughtfully, and says, 'Mek mi show yuh. Go ask your mother if she

would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars.
Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars. Then go ask your brother

if him would sleep with Beres Hammond for one million dollars. Then come back and tell me what you find out.'

The yute is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his stepfather means.

He asks his mother, 'Mammy if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Beres Hammond?'

His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, 'Don't tell yuh poopah, but yes, I would.'

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her,'Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with

Beres Hammond?' His sister looks up and says, 'Cho! Him kinda old still but with the amount a clothes I could buy

definitely I would give him a grine!'

Then he goes to his brother's room and asks him, 'Eh yow, if someone gave you a million dollars,

would you sleep with Beres Hammond?' His brother thinks about it for a minute and says,

'Fyah bun fi dem ting deh but fi a million bucks, I suppose I would. Just one time though'.

Errol goes back to his stepfather and says, 'Poopah I believe that I figure it out.

Potentially, we are sitting on three million dollars, but in reality, we are living with two skettels and one battyman.'

You know you're West Indian if:

* you've never seen your parents kiss or do anything remotely romantic! (esp your GrandParents)

*You have something that represents your country hanging from your rearview mirror

*YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE 'SENT FOR THE BELT'

*When you get beats, its to a riddim example: .. didnt...(insert lick)... i....(insert lick)... ...tell.....(insert lick)...you.......(insert lick)... not......(insert lick)...to......(insert lick)...do....(insert lick)...that!...(insert X amount of licks)

*When you go to someone's house late in the evening you tell the host 'Good Night'

*YOU WALK WITH YOUR OWN PEPPER SAUCE!!

*When you were little and you got licks and start to cry your Mum would ask, ' Yuh want something to cry fah?'

*SORREL IS A CHRISTMAS DRINK, NOT EGGNOG

*WHEN YOU REACH HOME YOU CHANGE INTO HOUSE CLOTHES

*you bring home left over food from any function and any party

*WHEN YOU GET 98 OUT OF 100 ON A TEST.. YUH PARENTS ASK YOU 'WHAT DE RASS HAPPEN TO THE OTHER 2 MARKS??'

*Someone in your family is a mechanic

*You show disapproval by sucking your teeth

*You have a thyme (or mint) bush growing somewhere in your yard.

*'SOON COME' IS A FIGURE OF SPEECH

*You hate to throw away empty containers as they might come in handy for pepper sauce or 'green seasonings'.

*You call stupid people ningcome poop, dotish, tootoombey, or chupidee.

*You tried hiding from licks

*you know that blue soap makes white clothes whiter.

*You say words like Heg (instead of Egg); Hingland (instead of England).

*you have at least one relative living in Canada or the US

*You know the difference between Wine, Whine and WINE!!!

*You can call your fellow country man by an ethnic name fondly and it would be okay. eg: darkie, reds, dougs, chinee-man, creole, red-man, white-boy

*you can indetify someone as coollie in an instant

*you can Insert blank here... 'Who don't hear ________ feel!!'

*You have been Beaten with an extention cord, a nintendo or tv cable, hanger or your mom's house slippers or the POT SPOON and when it break you get beat for
breaking it

*THERE IS ALWAYS VASELINE IN THE HOUSE

*everybody is always expecting something when u go back to the west indies.

*everybody is expecting something when u come back from the west indies.

Jamaican Text Messaging

for the avid text-messagers among us, here are some useful shortcuts

----------------

TWY = Tek Weh Yuself
XA = X Amount
AO = Alms Ouse
BC = Blood Claat
BPT = Back Pon Top
BOAL = Buss Out A Laff
BOABDL = Buss Out A Big Dutty Laff
CAS = Crack A Smile
DWL = Dead Wid Laff
DWLAPUMS = Dead Wid Laff And Peepee Up Mi Self
FR = Fi Real
KMN = Kiss Mi Neckback
KYAWO = Kut Yeye And Wheel Out
LIH = Lick Innu Head
LM = Likkle More
MPD = Mad People Dem
MYODB = Mine Yuh Own Dyamn Biznezz
NR = Nuff Respect

I read this and I BOABDL

Nuns While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened by the beer, wine andliquor section.One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answeredthat, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feeluncomfortable about purchasing it.The first nun replied that she would handle that without a problem. Shepicked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier had asurprised look so the nun said, "Can this be used for washing our hair."Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached across the counter andgrabbed a bag of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beersaying ..."The curlers are on me."

d Best Scottish Short Joke
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, "Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?"
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, "Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

A rather cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer in New Hampshire.
He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm.' The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder.' The Agriculture representative said, 'Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores. Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step. The Rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out, 'Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!'

St Elizabeth Love Poem

Susie Tobin fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so 'appy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie, Maid,
You'll have to find anodder.
I'd just as soon your ma don't know,
But joe is your 'alf brudder.

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will,
But after telling pappy this,
He said, "Dere's trouble still."

You can't marry Will, my dear,
And please don't tell your mudder,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I knows is your 'alf brudder.

But mudder knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes you 'appy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You hain't no kin to pappy!

Listen Carefully

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing
an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young,student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.

"Nurse",he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed,the young nurse replies,"I don't know, Sir
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,please check. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and
heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown,holds his manhood
in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says,there's nothing
wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,smiles at her and
says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......

A r e - my - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?

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