The prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been a this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"YE WHAT!!? OUT OF HERE, YE SHAMELESS HARLOT! SINNER! YOU'RE A DISCRACE TO THIS FAMILY!"
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!.Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

Jamaican vs Hamerican Henglish

USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl...
.JAM: Gyal, you noh dead yet?

USA: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again.
JAM: Lawd Gad... current lock awff again to rahtid!

USA: This meal is not too bad
JAM: Di food cyan eat

USA: Where did you buy that awful bracelet Cindy?
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat-deh big ole ugly bangle deh missis?

USA: Hors d'oeurves?
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me?

USA: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof
JAM: Hey dutty puss...come awff a di housetap before a buss yuhrass!

USA: I think something is wrong with Susan. She might have the flu.
JAM: Lawd Gad... obiya tek up Suzie!

USA: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate!
JAM: Lawd mi Gad, mi bruk up mamma stoosh crackry!

USA: Aren't those pants a bit short?
JAM: Yuh did expek flood or yuh tek yuh mezament inna wata?

USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?
JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem.

USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
JAM: Aye, buff-teet bwoy, tap fling up, fling-up mi bag dem suh man.

USA: I wish you would quit lying.
JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.

USA: Lift up the hood of the car for me John.
JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!

USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long!!
JAM: But wait, no robot naah run todeh

USA: Get me a pop please?
JAM: Beg yuh carry wan drinks fi mi deh..

USA: It's time for a Perm.
JAM: Gyal, yuh hed waan cream. Yuh noh si how it tough?

USA: Yuck! This is nasty!
JAM: Kiss mi neckback!! What a sinting tase bad an incipid!!

USA: I wish you would close your mouth.
JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyan shut.

USA: Girl, your acne is terrible
JAM: Massagad, pickeny, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh..

USA: Please make some room on the bus so this man can have a seat.
JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.

USA: I have a stomach ache.
JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi.

USA: These mangoes look a bit over-ripe.
JAM: Missis, move fran in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh.

USA: He has very large, full eyes.
JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo

USA: He has no manners.
JAM: Him no have no broughupsi

USA: Perspiration odour
JAM: Him smell green

USA: Poached (boiled) chicken
JAM: Dat deh singtin nuh start cook yet

USA: Oh, dear
JAM: ee-eeeeee