Jamaica is ..
"Blue Mountain Coffee and Sorrel."
"Kola Champagne, Manish Water."
"Jerk Pork, Scotch Bonnet, Hardough Bread.
"FryFish & Bammy, Coco Bread & Patty.
"Irie, Nyabingi, Boogooyaga, Legobeast.
"Cornmeal Dumplin, Dasheen, Yam, Coco."
"Pimento, Ackee & SaltFish, Black Mango, Star
Apple."
Jamaica is
"Anancey and Big Boy stories."
"Jackfruit, Juneplum, Nesberry, Ginep and
Hogplum."
"Busta, Icey mint, and Paradise plum."
"Tinking toe, Drops, Gizzada, and Grater cake."
"Bun and cheese, and Sorrel and Rum cake."
"OLIVER SAMUELS"
"Doouckunu, Dip and Fall Back, Run-down."
"Bulla, Totoe , Festival and SaltFish Fritters.
"Peppa shrimps, blue draws, Roast breadfruit and
corned pork."
Jamaica is
"Cool runnings, cease and settle, haul and pull up
& nuff respect."
"Reggae Boyz. "
"Rum and Red Stripe."
"Kin-Puppa-Lick !!, Blouse and skirt !!, Gouzum !!"
"Rhattid !!, Blough-wow !!, Geeze-u-wiz !!
"Suck-suck and sky-juice."
"Wi likkle but wi tal-a-wa!"
"Wey yu a sey, What a gwan & How it a go dung"
"bull-buck and duppy conqueror"
"Zinc fence and gully water."
Jamaica is
"Escoviche fish, julie mango, Oxtail, tripe&beans."
"Icy mint an bus-mi-jaw."
"Stop de cow bawlng eena de place."
"Anyting wha sweet yu gwine sour yu."
Weh yu "kibba yu mout"
"Nu mek mi spit an it dry up before yu cum back"
"Blouse an' skirt, and kiss mi neck back
JAMAICA IS EVERYTHING WE ARE AND MUCH MUCH
MORE...JAMAICA LAND WE
LOVE!!
IF YOU LOOK AT THIS LIST AND YOUR HEART
SMILES...YOU'RE DEFINATELY
JAMAICAN SEND THIS TO ALL JAMAICANS ON YOUR LIST
RESPECT IN EVERY ASPECT!!!!!
Sunday, January 21, 2007
"Only In Jamaica "
Only in Jamaica, citizens have to protect police from gunman.
Only in Jamaica, you'll have police cars parked at rum bars.
Only in Jamaica, can people strike everyday just not to go to work.
Only in Jamaica, gal fat up demself wid foul pill and bleach out dem
skin wid toothpaste.
Only in Jamaica, prisoners are allowed to have cell phone fe run dem
operation and report warden to dem posse.
Only in Jamaica, the Airport people can tell you bout yuh parts and
there is nobody to report them to.
Only in Jamaica, when you go t a restaurant, the waiter tells you
hold on so he can watch the football game.
Only in Jamaica, tief tie up security guard and steal him German
Shepherd Guard Dog.
Only in Jamaica, you can step up and step down in a bus same time.
Only in Jamaica, you can borrow somebody else side of the road fi
drive pon till yours get better.
Only in Jamaica, the more mess politician mek is the more pay dem
get.
Only in Jamaica, SUV can' pass road test.
Only in Jamaica, you have bicycle-by shootings.
Only in Jamaica, the Gulf-War still affect gas price.
Only in Jamaica, can a thief hold you up and ask you to walk wid more
money the next time.
Only in Jamaica, police go to arrest a thief without a handcuff.
Only in Jamaica, do you see a driver and a passenger in a cab sharing
the same seat.
Only in Jamaica, police are afraid of criminals.
Only in Jamaica, is the greatest tourist attraction a Rent-a-Dread.
Only in Jamaica, can Ganja be the best form of agriculture in the
country.
Only in Jamaica, can you be taxed for excessive use of oxygen.
Only in Jamaica, does every one drive a deportee and the less
fortunate, a Lada.
Only in Jamaica, can you report a crime in progress and the police
tell you to stop interrupting the domino game.
You know you are in Jamaica when even the baddest D.J. becomes a
Christian.
Yuh have potholes so big when yuh drop in, yuh can come out.
You know you are ina Jamaica when someone is wearing a bubble jacket
in 100 degree heat because "dem waan ina de lick"
You know you are in Jamaica when the last general election was called
a bashment.
You know you are in Jamaica when it is 96 degrees and you need no
shade...because nowhere else in the world could you go and find such
peace of mind and contentment wid so much madness and confusion at
the same time.
same time.
Once upon a time every J'can come from Kingston, now dem seem to come
from everywhere but Kingston. "
Only in Jamaica, citizens have to protect police from gunman.
Only in Jamaica, you'll have police cars parked at rum bars.
Only in Jamaica, can people strike everyday just not to go to work.
Only in Jamaica, gal fat up demself wid foul pill and bleach out dem
skin wid toothpaste.
Only in Jamaica, prisoners are allowed to have cell phone fe run dem
operation and report warden to dem posse.
Only in Jamaica, the Airport people can tell you bout yuh parts and
there is nobody to report them to.
Only in Jamaica, when you go t a restaurant, the waiter tells you
hold on so he can watch the football game.
Only in Jamaica, tief tie up security guard and steal him German
Shepherd Guard Dog.
Only in Jamaica, you can step up and step down in a bus same time.
Only in Jamaica, you can borrow somebody else side of the road fi
drive pon till yours get better.
Only in Jamaica, the more mess politician mek is the more pay dem
get.
Only in Jamaica, SUV can' pass road test.
Only in Jamaica, you have bicycle-by shootings.
Only in Jamaica, the Gulf-War still affect gas price.
Only in Jamaica, can a thief hold you up and ask you to walk wid more
money the next time.
Only in Jamaica, police go to arrest a thief without a handcuff.
Only in Jamaica, do you see a driver and a passenger in a cab sharing
the same seat.
Only in Jamaica, police are afraid of criminals.
Only in Jamaica, is the greatest tourist attraction a Rent-a-Dread.
Only in Jamaica, can Ganja be the best form of agriculture in the
country.
Only in Jamaica, can you be taxed for excessive use of oxygen.
Only in Jamaica, does every one drive a deportee and the less
fortunate, a Lada.
Only in Jamaica, can you report a crime in progress and the police
tell you to stop interrupting the domino game.
You know you are in Jamaica when even the baddest D.J. becomes a
Christian.
Yuh have potholes so big when yuh drop in, yuh can come out.
You know you are ina Jamaica when someone is wearing a bubble jacket
in 100 degree heat because "dem waan ina de lick"
You know you are in Jamaica when the last general election was called
a bashment.
You know you are in Jamaica when it is 96 degrees and you need no
shade...because nowhere else in the world could you go and find such
peace of mind and contentment wid so much madness and confusion at
the same time.
same time.
Once upon a time every J'can come from Kingston, now dem seem to come
from everywhere but Kingston. "
Sunday, January 07, 2007
And old Indian man
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
One US official asked Chief Two Eagles. "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
NoTaxes,
No Debt,
Plenty Buffalo,
Plenty Beaver,
Women Did All The Work,
Medicine Man Free,
Indian Man Spent All Day Hunting And Fishing,
All Night Having Sex."
Then the Chief leaned back and smiled . . .
. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
One US official asked Chief Two Eagles. "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
NoTaxes,
No Debt,
Plenty Buffalo,
Plenty Beaver,
Women Did All The Work,
Medicine Man Free,
Indian Man Spent All Day Hunting And Fishing,
All Night Having Sex."
Then the Chief leaned back and smiled . . .
. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."
Monday, November 27, 2006
How To Love Your Jamaican Man
1. Never ask where yu man has been, where him coming from or where him going Don't always feel him going to another woman. If yu treated him right he will soon come back. If him don't come back, well you have to work pon dat!
2. Always make sure de food deh pon de table when him come thru de door. Member, "regular fried dumpling keeps your man a humping".
3. Don't forget the "Irish Moss" and "Guinness". A nuff ah dem like pork, but just don't call it pork ... yu mad! Call it a fancy foreign name like ham or franks! Ah it dem mother did grow dem up pon.
4. Never get upset if he accidentally sleeps with yuh friend, sister, or even mother. That only means he is a good man, dem would have never slept with him if him was worthless! Is dem fault fi a pressure him!
5. Never tell yuh man seh yu pregnant - well, not til yuh hide him passport!
6. Never ask how many baby mother yuh man have. Dis may lead to embarrassment because him may have lost count.
7. If him grab yuh up! Tell him that's not how to show love, some think that is the way but don't call de police. It don't mek no sense, because you always end up bailing him out of jail.
8. Never tell yuh man is not your real hair! Dem love long hair gal. Keep telling him dat you're half-Chinese or yu have Indjun in yuh family.
9. Don't listen to your girlfriends advice, especially if dem don't have no man. How can someone with no man tell you how to keep one. Dem always telling you that 'him controlling yu'. She just want someone to keep her company because she have no man. Some of dem even have funny intentions.
10. Never ask to drive your man's car, or give him directions, or tell him to ask for directions when he is lost. Him soon find him way! Grin and bear it.
11. Never ask for your man's home number and address ... some ladies get this strange idea after seeing their man fe three years and having several children for him that this somehow entitles dem to dis privileged information. Be realistic! The relationship is still in its early stages. However, your man might feel generous and offer up his cell phone or pager digits. Be grateful!!!
1. Never ask where yu man has been, where him coming from or where him going Don't always feel him going to another woman. If yu treated him right he will soon come back. If him don't come back, well you have to work pon dat!
2. Always make sure de food deh pon de table when him come thru de door. Member, "regular fried dumpling keeps your man a humping".
3. Don't forget the "Irish Moss" and "Guinness". A nuff ah dem like pork, but just don't call it pork ... yu mad! Call it a fancy foreign name like ham or franks! Ah it dem mother did grow dem up pon.
4. Never get upset if he accidentally sleeps with yuh friend, sister, or even mother. That only means he is a good man, dem would have never slept with him if him was worthless! Is dem fault fi a pressure him!
5. Never tell yuh man seh yu pregnant - well, not til yuh hide him passport!
6. Never ask how many baby mother yuh man have. Dis may lead to embarrassment because him may have lost count.
7. If him grab yuh up! Tell him that's not how to show love, some think that is the way but don't call de police. It don't mek no sense, because you always end up bailing him out of jail.
8. Never tell yuh man is not your real hair! Dem love long hair gal. Keep telling him dat you're half-Chinese or yu have Indjun in yuh family.
9. Don't listen to your girlfriends advice, especially if dem don't have no man. How can someone with no man tell you how to keep one. Dem always telling you that 'him controlling yu'. She just want someone to keep her company because she have no man. Some of dem even have funny intentions.
10. Never ask to drive your man's car, or give him directions, or tell him to ask for directions when he is lost. Him soon find him way! Grin and bear it.
11. Never ask for your man's home number and address ... some ladies get this strange idea after seeing their man fe three years and having several children for him that this somehow entitles dem to dis privileged information. Be realistic! The relationship is still in its early stages. However, your man might feel generous and offer up his cell phone or pager digits. Be grateful!!!
Sunday, August 20, 2006
The duck
Three Jamaican women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Three Jamaican women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Little Math Test
A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
Interact
A Jamaican, a Bajan, and a Trini all went to a strip club.
A sweet looking lady came up to them and began to dance up.
First she went up to the Jamaican boy. He took a $10 and stuffed in
in her bra.
She took the $10 out, then took off her bra and went up to the Bajan
man. So the Bajan man took $10 and stuffed it in her panties.
She took the $10 out, and then took off her panties and went up to
the Trini man. While dancing on him, she suddenly felt something
SWIPE in between her ass. She turnes her face to the Trini
man and he says "I eh have money, yuh take Interact?"
A Jamaican, a Bajan, and a Trini all went to a strip club.
A sweet looking lady came up to them and began to dance up.
First she went up to the Jamaican boy. He took a $10 and stuffed in
in her bra.
She took the $10 out, then took off her bra and went up to the Bajan
man. So the Bajan man took $10 and stuffed it in her panties.
She took the $10 out, and then took off her panties and went up to
the Trini man. While dancing on him, she suddenly felt something
SWIPE in between her ass. She turnes her face to the Trini
man and he says "I eh have money, yuh take Interact?"
Monday, May 29, 2006
Sperm Count
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Duties of a Wife
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The 1st man had married an Asian woman
and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.
The 2nd man had married a White woman.
Bettye White
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the 1st day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the 3rd day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The 3rd man married a Black woman.
He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the 1st day he didn't see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything but by the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The 1st man had married an Asian woman
and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.
The 2nd man had married a White woman.
Bettye White
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the 1st day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the 3rd day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The 3rd man married a Black woman.
He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the 1st day he didn't see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything but by the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
The prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been a this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been a this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"YE WHAT!!? OUT OF HERE, YE SHAMELESS HARLOT! SINNER! YOU'RE A DISCRACE TO THIS FAMILY!"
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!.Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Jamaican vs Hamerican Henglish
USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl...
.JAM: Gyal, you noh dead yet?
USA: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again.
JAM: Lawd Gad... current lock awff again to rahtid!
USA: This meal is not too bad
JAM: Di food cyan eat
USA: Where did you buy that awful bracelet Cindy?
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat-deh big ole ugly bangle deh missis?
USA: Hors d'oeurves?
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me?
USA: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof
JAM: Hey dutty puss...come awff a di housetap before a buss yuhrass!
USA: I think something is wrong with Susan. She might have the flu.
JAM: Lawd Gad... obiya tek up Suzie!
USA: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate!
JAM: Lawd mi Gad, mi bruk up mamma stoosh crackry!
USA: Aren't those pants a bit short?
JAM: Yuh did expek flood or yuh tek yuh mezament inna wata?
USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?
JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem.
USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
JAM: Aye, buff-teet bwoy, tap fling up, fling-up mi bag dem suh man.
USA: I wish you would quit lying.
JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.
USA: Lift up the hood of the car for me John.
JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!
USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long!!
JAM: But wait, no robot naah run todeh
USA: Get me a pop please?
JAM: Beg yuh carry wan drinks fi mi deh..
USA: It's time for a Perm.
JAM: Gyal, yuh hed waan cream. Yuh noh si how it tough?
USA: Yuck! This is nasty!
JAM: Kiss mi neckback!! What a sinting tase bad an incipid!!
USA: I wish you would close your mouth.
JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyan shut.
USA: Girl, your acne is terrible
JAM: Massagad, pickeny, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh..
USA: Please make some room on the bus so this man can have a seat.
JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.
USA: I have a stomach ache.
JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi.
USA: These mangoes look a bit over-ripe.
JAM: Missis, move fran in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh.
USA: He has very large, full eyes.
JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo
USA: He has no manners.
JAM: Him no have no broughupsi
USA: Perspiration odour
JAM: Him smell green
USA: Poached (boiled) chicken
JAM: Dat deh singtin nuh start cook yet
USA: Oh, dear
JAM: ee-eeeeee
USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl...
.JAM: Gyal, you noh dead yet?
USA: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again.
JAM: Lawd Gad... current lock awff again to rahtid!
USA: This meal is not too bad
JAM: Di food cyan eat
USA: Where did you buy that awful bracelet Cindy?
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat-deh big ole ugly bangle deh missis?
USA: Hors d'oeurves?
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me?
USA: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof
JAM: Hey dutty puss...come awff a di housetap before a buss yuhrass!
USA: I think something is wrong with Susan. She might have the flu.
JAM: Lawd Gad... obiya tek up Suzie!
USA: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate!
JAM: Lawd mi Gad, mi bruk up mamma stoosh crackry!
USA: Aren't those pants a bit short?
JAM: Yuh did expek flood or yuh tek yuh mezament inna wata?
USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?
JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem.
USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
JAM: Aye, buff-teet bwoy, tap fling up, fling-up mi bag dem suh man.
USA: I wish you would quit lying.
JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.
USA: Lift up the hood of the car for me John.
JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!
USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long!!
JAM: But wait, no robot naah run todeh
USA: Get me a pop please?
JAM: Beg yuh carry wan drinks fi mi deh..
USA: It's time for a Perm.
JAM: Gyal, yuh hed waan cream. Yuh noh si how it tough?
USA: Yuck! This is nasty!
JAM: Kiss mi neckback!! What a sinting tase bad an incipid!!
USA: I wish you would close your mouth.
JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyan shut.
USA: Girl, your acne is terrible
JAM: Massagad, pickeny, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh..
USA: Please make some room on the bus so this man can have a seat.
JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.
USA: I have a stomach ache.
JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi.
USA: These mangoes look a bit over-ripe.
JAM: Missis, move fran in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh.
USA: He has very large, full eyes.
JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo
USA: He has no manners.
JAM: Him no have no broughupsi
USA: Perspiration odour
JAM: Him smell green
USA: Poached (boiled) chicken
JAM: Dat deh singtin nuh start cook yet
USA: Oh, dear
JAM: ee-eeeeee
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Dark in here..
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son is hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here.."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sits in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son is hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here.."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sits in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
Thursday, November 03, 2005
A me one dey yah
A Rastaman went to visit an old family friend. The Rastaman knock pon di door and smaddy inside seh: " a who dat?" The rastaman said: " It is I and I, Jah Rastafari, Kings of kings, Lord of lords, conquering lion of the tribe of Judah, son of Haile Selassie I" . The person inside replied: "A me one dey yah and mi nah open mi door fi so much a oonu".
A Rastaman went to visit an old family friend. The Rastaman knock pon di door and smaddy inside seh: " a who dat?" The rastaman said: " It is I and I, Jah Rastafari, Kings of kings, Lord of lords, conquering lion of the tribe of Judah, son of Haile Selassie I" . The person inside replied: "A me one dey yah and mi nah open mi door fi so much a oonu".
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
'Jamaica coailition' proposed in Germany
berlin, (reuters)
JAMAICA APPEARED AN unlikely winner of Germany's general election on Monday as a coalition of parties sharing the colours of its flag became a possibility.
Germans often refer to parties by their colours: red for the Social Democrats, black for the conservatives, yellow for the Free Democrats and, predictably, green for the Greens.
Sunday's inconclusive election result means an inventive new alliance may be needed to replace the old 'red-green' coalition.
Television commentator Joerg Schoenenborn mentioned the idea of a 'Jamaica coalition' black, yellow and green, like the island's flag on Sunday after exit polls were published.
Within three hours it was being used by economists, politicians, journalists and travel agents.
"I didn't even know the term 'Jamaica coalition' existed," said Joschka Fischer, Germany's Greens foreign minister.
"When I heard that yesterday, I was very diplomatic and didn't pull a face. But in my head you could imagine what I was seeing: I saw people sitting around in dreadlocks with joints in their hands, and reggae music playing in the background."
Marcia Gilbert-Roberts, Jamaica's ambassador, seized the chance of tourist publicity to advertise to travel-mad Germans.
"If such a coalition comes to fruition, then we'll invite all concerned to Jamaica," she was quoted as saying in an interview with Financial Times Germany.
berlin, (reuters)
JAMAICA APPEARED AN unlikely winner of Germany's general election on Monday as a coalition of parties sharing the colours of its flag became a possibility.
Germans often refer to parties by their colours: red for the Social Democrats, black for the conservatives, yellow for the Free Democrats and, predictably, green for the Greens.
Sunday's inconclusive election result means an inventive new alliance may be needed to replace the old 'red-green' coalition.
Television commentator Joerg Schoenenborn mentioned the idea of a 'Jamaica coalition' black, yellow and green, like the island's flag on Sunday after exit polls were published.
Within three hours it was being used by economists, politicians, journalists and travel agents.
"I didn't even know the term 'Jamaica coalition' existed," said Joschka Fischer, Germany's Greens foreign minister.
"When I heard that yesterday, I was very diplomatic and didn't pull a face. But in my head you could imagine what I was seeing: I saw people sitting around in dreadlocks with joints in their hands, and reggae music playing in the background."
Marcia Gilbert-Roberts, Jamaica's ambassador, seized the chance of tourist publicity to advertise to travel-mad Germans.
"If such a coalition comes to fruition, then we'll invite all concerned to Jamaica," she was quoted as saying in an interview with Financial Times Germany.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBAND
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in
Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of
the town.
"What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was
inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We
visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of
the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled
and she almost fell off.
My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time
causing her to drop her water.
Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My
wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I
shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor
animal like that? Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."
Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of
the town.
"What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was
inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We
visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of
the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled
and she almost fell off.
My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time
causing her to drop her water.
Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My
wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I
shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor
animal like that? Are you crazy??"
She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."
And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."
Monday, June 06, 2005
Subject: confession
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here.
"The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice.
"Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
The little boy says, "Dark in here.
"The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice.
"Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
Thursday, November 04, 2004
A Matter Of Sight
1997 World Women's Conference.
The First speaker from England spoke: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself."
"After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America spoke: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his Laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Jamaica spoke: "Hafter las' year conference wen mi go ome an tell mi usband seh mi nah do nuh more cookin fi im nor cleanin nor shoppin, an dat im woulda haffi do dem imself.
Hafter di fus day mi nuh si nothin. Hafter di second day, mi still nuh si nothin neither. But hafter di third day, as the swelling go dung, me coulda si a likkle bit outta mi left eye."
A Fly In The Beer
One day a Jamaican, a Trinidadian, and a Bajan walked into a rum shop together. They proceeded to each buy a Banks Beer.
Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their beers.
The Jamaican pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Trini fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Bajan picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling. "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU IGRANT BRUTE!"
Author unknown
1997 World Women's Conference.
The First speaker from England spoke: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself."
"After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America spoke: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his Laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from Jamaica spoke: "Hafter las' year conference wen mi go ome an tell mi usband seh mi nah do nuh more cookin fi im nor cleanin nor shoppin, an dat im woulda haffi do dem imself.
Hafter di fus day mi nuh si nothin. Hafter di second day, mi still nuh si nothin neither. But hafter di third day, as the swelling go dung, me coulda si a likkle bit outta mi left eye."
A Fly In The Beer
One day a Jamaican, a Trinidadian, and a Bajan walked into a rum shop together. They proceeded to each buy a Banks Beer.
Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their beers.
The Jamaican pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Trini fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Bajan picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling. "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU IGRANT BRUTE!"
Author unknown
Friday, September 10, 2004
A Young Jamaican Yute
A young Jamaican yute, Errol, asks his step-dad for some help.
He says, "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His step-father looks up thoughtfully, and says, "Mek mi show yuh. Go ask yuh muddah if she would sleep with Beres "Hammond fi one million dollar. Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollar. Then go ask yuh brudah if he would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollar. Then come back and tell me what yu fine out."
The yute is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his stepfather means. He asks his mother, "Mammy if someone gave you a m illion dollars would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell yuh poopah, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His sister looks up and says, "Cho! Him kinda old still but wid de amount a clothes mi coulda buy definitely me wudda give him a grine!"
Then he goes to his brother's room and asks him, "Hey bro, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His brother thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fyah bun fi dem ting deh but fi a million bucks, I suppose I would. Just one time duh".
Errol goes back to his stepfather and says, "Poopah mi tink mi figured it out! Potentially, wi sittin on tree million dollars, but in reality, wi ah live wid two skettel an ah battyman.
A young Jamaican yute, Errol, asks his step-dad for some help.
He says, "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His step-father looks up thoughtfully, and says, "Mek mi show yuh. Go ask yuh muddah if she would sleep with Beres "Hammond fi one million dollar. Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollar. Then go ask yuh brudah if he would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollar. Then come back and tell me what yu fine out."
The yute is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his stepfather means. He asks his mother, "Mammy if someone gave you a m illion dollars would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell yuh poopah, but yes, I would."
Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His sister looks up and says, "Cho! Him kinda old still but wid de amount a clothes mi coulda buy definitely me wudda give him a grine!"
Then he goes to his brother's room and asks him, "Hey bro, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His brother thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fyah bun fi dem ting deh but fi a million bucks, I suppose I would. Just one time duh".
Errol goes back to his stepfather and says, "Poopah mi tink mi figured it out! Potentially, wi sittin on tree million dollars, but in reality, wi ah live wid two skettel an ah battyman.
Wednesday, March 10, 2004
Subject: Looking for the right Jamaican
A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of
Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon a old
empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and
lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. She talked with him
awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her
ONE wish. She said she heard from a cousin that she
would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.
The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a
story-tale myth. I'm a ONE-WISH Genie. So... what'll
it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want
peace in the Middle East. See this map, I want these
countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all
the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony. " The Genie
looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lawd Lady, A wah
wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred
years. I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it
can be done. " PLEASE make another wish and please
a beg yu... Be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've
never been able to find the right Jamaican man...
You know, one that DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, is
considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the
cooking & house--cleaning, is great in bed and gets
along FAITHFUL and loves to worship.That's what I
wish for... a good Jamaican man.
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Let me see that freakin' map again."
A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of
Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon a old
empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and
lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. She talked with him
awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her
ONE wish. She said she heard from a cousin that she
would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.
The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a
story-tale myth. I'm a ONE-WISH Genie. So... what'll
it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want
peace in the Middle East. See this map, I want these
countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all
the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa.
It will bring about world peace and harmony. " The Genie
looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lawd Lady, A wah
wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred
years. I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it
can be done. " PLEASE make another wish and please
a beg yu... Be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've
never been able to find the right Jamaican man...
You know, one that DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, is
considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the
cooking & house--cleaning, is great in bed and gets
along FAITHFUL and loves to worship.That's what I
wish for... a good Jamaican man.
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Let me see that freakin' map again."