Password Rejected
A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer,
and
at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need
to
choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer
asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife
that
he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s".
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***
Sunday, August 31, 2003
Sex Education and Christmas Trees
A young boy asks his father,
"Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs ?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad ?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother,
"Mom, how many kind of penises are there ?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers,
"Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree ?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration...
A young boy asks his father,
"Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs ?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad ?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother,
"Mom, how many kind of penises are there ?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers,
"Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree ?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration...
Wednesday, August 27, 2003
Obsessions
A Psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children..."You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving
A Psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children..."You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving
Screw The Boss
John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him." "You did," his wife said, "and he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John.
His wife replied, "I did. You're back at work on Monday."
John woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?" "Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors, and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face." "He's an idiot," John said. "Piss on him." "You did," his wife said, "and he fired you." "Well, screw him!" said John.
His wife replied, "I did. You're back at work on Monday."
Wanna Take It With Me
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it
away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man. " She said, "girl, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him, and I'm a woman of my word." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with that man?"
" I sure did," said the wife. "'I wrote him a check."
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, because I wanna take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!'
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it
away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with that man. " She said, "girl, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him, and I'm a woman of my word." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with that man?"
" I sure did," said the wife. "'I wrote him a check."
First Class
A beautiful young ebony woman dressed in her "batty-riders" with her
hair dyed blonde and green-(contact lens)-eyes boards a certain American airline from a certain Caribbean island to go to New York. She has a ticket for a seat in the economy section.
She looks at the seats in economy that are so small and can't hold her much (less her derrierre). Then she looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Since the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she decides to sit in one that was empty.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The woman replies, "me young, black and beautiful, and me goin' to sidown yasso all the way goa New York.
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain
of the problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that
her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the woman replies, "me young, black and beautiful, and me goin' to sidown yasso all the way goa New York."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the
cockpit to discuss the problem with the copilot. The copilot says that he has a voluptuous Caribbean girlfriend, just like her, so he knows how to take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the woman's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Tank you much," hugs the copilot and rushes back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching intently, together ask
the copilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that
the first class section nah goa New York."
A beautiful young ebony woman dressed in her "batty-riders" with her
hair dyed blonde and green-(contact lens)-eyes boards a certain American airline from a certain Caribbean island to go to New York. She has a ticket for a seat in the economy section.
She looks at the seats in economy that are so small and can't hold her much (less her derrierre). Then she looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Since the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she decides to sit in one that was empty.
The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The woman replies, "me young, black and beautiful, and me goin' to sidown yasso all the way goa New York.
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain
of the problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that
her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the woman replies, "me young, black and beautiful, and me goin' to sidown yasso all the way goa New York."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the
cockpit to discuss the problem with the copilot. The copilot says that he has a voluptuous Caribbean girlfriend, just like her, so he knows how to take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the woman's ear. She immediately gets up, says "Tank you much," hugs the copilot and rushes back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching intently, together ask
the copilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that
the first class section nah goa New York."
Jamaican on Amtrak train
Three Americans and three Jamaicans are traveling by an AMTRAK train to a conference. At the station, the three Americans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Jamaicans buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American.
"Watch the ride my yute!" answers a Jamaican.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train is departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Jamaicans on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station,
they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Jamaicans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch the ride my yute!!" says a Jamaican.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and the three Jamaicans cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Jamaicans leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".
Three Americans and three Jamaicans are traveling by an AMTRAK train to a conference. At the station, the three Americans each buy a ticket and watch as the three Jamaicans buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American.
"Watch the ride my yute!" answers a Jamaican.
They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three Jamaicans cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train is departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket,please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the Americans decide to copy the Jamaicans on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station,
they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Jamaicans don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch the ride my yute!!" says a Jamaican.
When they board the train the three Americans cram into a restroom and the three Jamaicans cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Jamaicans leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".
A Jamaican country prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand --- a trail, a grandmotherly, elderly woman named Miss Ivy. He approached her and asked "Miss Ivy, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes me noe yu Missa Williams. Me know yuh since yu ah young bwoy an quite frankly, yu ah one big disappointment. Yu lie, yu use fe tief bokkle and bruk people shap; yu gie yu wife bun, yu manipulate people an talk su-su pan dem behine dem back. Yuh tink say yu a big shat, an yu no noe say yu a go come to nutten. Dat fool-fool brains yu ave mek yu a two-bit papa pusha. Yes, me noe yu - yu liad good fe nutten...."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Miss Ivy, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes mi do. Mi noe Missa Bradley since 'im was a bwoy, too. Mi use to put on im nappy wen 'im piss it up. An 'im too is a reel disappointment. 'Im lazy, 'im a batty man, 'im a drunk areaddy, an 'im caan bild a normal relationship wid woman-cause a battyman sinting. 'Im law practice is de wos inna de entiya Parish. Not fe mention 'im cheat pan 'im wife wid tree diffrent man. 'Im ongle married dat nice lady cause 'im no waan people fe know say 'im like man. Yes, me know 'im."
The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If any a oonu axe har if she noe me, oonu a go a jail fe contempt."
She responded, "Why, yes me noe yu Missa Williams. Me know yuh since yu ah young bwoy an quite frankly, yu ah one big disappointment. Yu lie, yu use fe tief bokkle and bruk people shap; yu gie yu wife bun, yu manipulate people an talk su-su pan dem behine dem back. Yuh tink say yu a big shat, an yu no noe say yu a go come to nutten. Dat fool-fool brains yu ave mek yu a two-bit papa pusha. Yes, me noe yu - yu liad good fe nutten...."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Miss Ivy, do you know the defense attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes mi do. Mi noe Missa Bradley since 'im was a bwoy, too. Mi use to put on im nappy wen 'im piss it up. An 'im too is a reel disappointment. 'Im lazy, 'im a batty man, 'im a drunk areaddy, an 'im caan bild a normal relationship wid woman-cause a battyman sinting. 'Im law practice is de wos inna de entiya Parish. Not fe mention 'im cheat pan 'im wife wid tree diffrent man. 'Im ongle married dat nice lady cause 'im no waan people fe know say 'im like man. Yes, me know 'im."
The defense attorney was also surprised and shocked. At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If any a oonu axe har if she noe me, oonu a go a jail fe contempt."
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"
Trouble sleeping
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Jamaican Tourist in a Brothel
Delroy, a middle-aged Jamaican tourist on his first visit to New York, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain Delroy . They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams,
"No!" and walks quickly away. The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him.
She decides that only her most experienced lady,Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Delroy. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.
He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her
girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So she goes over to Delroy and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits on his lap. Then, Delroy leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Jamaican currency?"
Delroy, a middle-aged Jamaican tourist on his first visit to New York, finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.
They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear and she gasps and runs away!
Seeing this, the madam sends over a more experienced lady to entertain Delroy . They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap. He whispers in her ear, and she too screams,
"No!" and walks quickly away. The madam is surprised that this ordinary looking man has asked for something so outrageous that her two girls will have nothing to do with him.
She decides that only her most experienced lady,Lola, will do. Lola has never said no, and it's not likely anything would surprise her. So the madam sends her over to Delroy. They sit and talk, frolic a little, giggle a bit, drink a bit, and she sits on his lap.
He whispers in her ear and she screams, "NO WAY, BUDDY!" and smacks him as hard as she can and leaves.
Madam is by now absolutely intrigued, having seen nothing like this in all her years of operating a brothel. She hasn't done the bedroom work herself for a long time, but she's sure she has said yes to everything a man could possibly ask for. She just has to find out what this man wants that has made her
girls so angry. Besides she sees a chance to teach her employees a lesson. So she goes over to Delroy and says that she's the best in the house and is available. She sits and talks with him. They frolic, giggle, drink and then she sits on his lap. Then, Delroy leans forward and whispers in her ear, "Can I pay in Jamaican currency?"
Jamaican Neighbours
Two Jamaican neighbours living in Florida (in true yard-style). One calls the FBI.........
The phone rings at FBI Headquarters: "Hello?"
"Hello, is dis di FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"Mi calling to report mi neighba dem! Dem name McIntyre, Sah. Dem a hide marijuana in dem firewood."
"This will be noted, Sir."
Next day, the FBI goons went over to the McIntyre's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Mr. McIntyre and leave.
The phone rings over at McIntyre's house: "Hey, McIntyre! Did di FBI dem come?"
"Yeh Mon!"
"Did dey chop yuh firewood?"
"Yeh Mon, rahtid. Dem chop dem all - mi have nuff firewood now. Mi can even sell some."
"Okay, a fi mi turn now. Yuh hafi call dem. A need mi garden plowed."
Two Jamaican neighbours living in Florida (in true yard-style). One calls the FBI.........
The phone rings at FBI Headquarters: "Hello?"
"Hello, is dis di FBI?"
"Yes. What do you want?"
"Mi calling to report mi neighba dem! Dem name McIntyre, Sah. Dem a hide marijuana in dem firewood."
"This will be noted, Sir."
Next day, the FBI goons went over to the McIntyre's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Mr. McIntyre and leave.
The phone rings over at McIntyre's house: "Hey, McIntyre! Did di FBI dem come?"
"Yeh Mon!"
"Did dey chop yuh firewood?"
"Yeh Mon, rahtid. Dem chop dem all - mi have nuff firewood now. Mi can even sell some."
"Okay, a fi mi turn now. Yuh hafi call dem. A need mi garden plowed."
Friday, August 22, 2003
THE JAMAICAN GINNAL
A Jamaican guy walks into a whorehouse in New York and asks,"You have a girl work here from Jamaica name Arlene?"
"Yes," answers the madam. "Go on up to Room 6."
So the fellow went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door.When the woman answered, he asked "Yu name Arlene, don't it?"
"Yeh man, a me dat," replied the woman.
Well, mi av 2 undrid dolla.." he proudly announced.
With that, the hooker grabbed the money, opened the door wide and hauled him by the shirt into the room.
After a little rest from the vigorous sex, the fellow got up to leave. "y'a guh deh bowt tumaroh?" he asked. "Yeh Man," Arlene said, "Me wi deh yah."
The next night, the fellow comes back gives up the $200 and laid it on again. When they were done, he's sitting on the side of the bed, cooling down. "Will you be here tomorrow night Honey?"
The hooker replied, "Mi deh yah every night fi you".
Night comes and the fellow was back in action, throwing down the heavy lumber. When they were done, they are both sitting on the edge of the bed. "Tell me sumthin'," Arlene said, "what part of Jamaica yu from?"
"Portmore," replied the fellow with a satisfied grin.
"True? Me have one sister live inna Portmore yuh know!", the hooker exclaimed.
"I know dat," the fellow replied, "She gimme six hundred dollas fi gi yuh
A Jamaican guy walks into a whorehouse in New York and asks,"You have a girl work here from Jamaica name Arlene?"
"Yes," answers the madam. "Go on up to Room 6."
So the fellow went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door.When the woman answered, he asked "Yu name Arlene, don't it?"
"Yeh man, a me dat," replied the woman.
Well, mi av 2 undrid dolla.." he proudly announced.
With that, the hooker grabbed the money, opened the door wide and hauled him by the shirt into the room.
After a little rest from the vigorous sex, the fellow got up to leave. "y'a guh deh bowt tumaroh?" he asked. "Yeh Man," Arlene said, "Me wi deh yah."
The next night, the fellow comes back gives up the $200 and laid it on again. When they were done, he's sitting on the side of the bed, cooling down. "Will you be here tomorrow night Honey?"
The hooker replied, "Mi deh yah every night fi you".
Night comes and the fellow was back in action, throwing down the heavy lumber. When they were done, they are both sitting on the edge of the bed. "Tell me sumthin'," Arlene said, "what part of Jamaica yu from?"
"Portmore," replied the fellow with a satisfied grin.
"True? Me have one sister live inna Portmore yuh know!", the hooker exclaimed.
"I know dat," the fellow replied, "She gimme six hundred dollas fi gi yuh