St Elizabeth Love Poem

Susie Tobin fell in love;
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so 'appy 'bout it all,
She told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Susie, Maid,
You'll have to find anodder.
I'd just as soon your ma don't know,
But joe is your 'alf brudder.

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will,
But after telling pappy this,
He said, "Dere's trouble still."

You can't marry Will, my dear,
And please don't tell your mudder,
But Will and Joe, and several mo'
I knows is your 'alf brudder.

But mudder knew and said, my child,
Just do what makes you 'appy.
Marry Will or marry Joe.
You hain't no kin to pappy!

Listen Carefully

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing
an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young,student nurse appears to give him a partial
sponge bath.

"Nurse",he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my
testicles black?"

Embarrassed,the young nurse replies,"I don't know, Sir
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse,please check. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and
heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown,holds his manhood
in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says,there's nothing
wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask,smiles at her and
says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen
very, very closely......

A r e - my - t e s t - r e s u l t s -b a c k?

_____________________________________________

Me Waan Chicken

A man walked into a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in Jamaica and “passed out” on the floor. People gathered around to help him by fanning and doing everything they could to help him regain conciousness.

Someone peeled an orange and started squeezing the juice into his mouth, whereupon the man suddenly came back to life, pushed the person away and yelled, “Luk yah man! If me did want orange, me woulda fall down in de market.”

Mi Madda Get Lick Dung

A bus was involved in an accident on the busy Half-Way Tree Road on Friday afternoon.

As expected, traffic came to a stand-still, and a large vocal crowd gathered. A male reporter from one of our ‘big’ newspapers, anxious to get his story could not get near the bus or the victim(s). Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, ” Unnuh let me through! Let me through! A mi madda get lick-dung. “

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the bus was a donkey.

Pum Pum Apples

A guy is driving his Kriss deportee down a dusty Jamaican country road when he sees a sign, “Star apples J$100.00 each”.

Curious to find out why one star apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the star apples are so expensive. The farmer says, “Bway dese are special bulla and pear star apples. Here, try one nuh?” The man takes a bite and says, “Unbelievable; I taste the pear, but not the bulla.” The farmer says, “Just turn it around an bite again man.” He does so and he savours a sweet bulla.

The farmer says, “Mi have fish an’ festival star apple, too, but dem is $200.00 each.” The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, “Wow, these are great but I taste the fish but not the festival!.” The farmer says, “Just turn it around, man.” He does, takes a bite and the unmistakable taste of a sweet crunchy festival fills his mouth.

The farmer nods in approval and says, “Now, if you really like dat, mi ‘ave some extra special apples dat cost $500.00 each. They’re pum pum apples.” “Pum Pum apples?” The man cannot resist and whips out his $500.00 note. He takes a bite and spits out in disgust, shouting “YUCK, these taste like shit!” The farmer cooly responds, “Jus’ tun it ’round, man!!”

You know you are on a flight to Jamaica When …

- You get to the airport before the Air Jamaica counter staff

- Everybody is checking in suitcases the size of a refrigerator

- The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says “Yuh only have one piece? Beg yu check een dis ya piece ah luggage fah mi nuh. DO!”

- Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the p.a. system starts to say “this is NOT a boarding announcement.”

- You can’t get on board because somebody in front of you is trying to get a motor vehicle engine block into the overhead compartment

- At least one passenger is accompanied by an armed Federal Agent

- You can only get the Observer to read, no Gleaner roun’ here

- People are trying to figure out what “Port of Embarkation” means

- The passenger next to you slowly leans away from you while raising one leg and mutters “Yes bwoy, DAT is gas!”

- Somebody hands a flight attendant a paper bag and asks her to “heat up dis ya patty fi mi nuh baby”

- The plane starts to descend, and a woman in the seat behind you says to her friend … “Come Darris, time fi go tile-it an’ tidy!”

- The overhead compartment smells like fish, jerk chicken and rum … then something from up there starts to drip on you.

- Most of the passengers clap when the plane lands

- While the plane is still moving and taxi-ing to the terminal, people are unbuckling their seat belts, grabbing their hand luggage and heading towards the plane door

- Everybody who have a big screen TV, a boom-box and a microwave go straight to the “Nothing to Declare” line in Customs.

Translations

CANADIAN: Excuse me little girl, can I fit in there?
JAMAICAN: Hey, pickney, small up youself!
TRINI: smallie, gimmeh ah pass dey
BAJAN: Guh rung an' gimma a li'l scotch!

CANADIAN: That woman is overweight.
JAMAICAN: Lawd, look how she fat and spread out like mash bullfrog.
TRINI: Oh jeesan, dah woman realllll fat
BAJAN: You, she big as shite ya.

CANADIAN: You are such an attractive woman.
JAMAICAN: Gal you look like fresh vegetable.
TRINI: Darlin', yuh lookin' real good
BAJAN: Psssstt ! My friend !

CANADIAN: I really would like for us to be intimate.
JAMAICAN: Gal, mi wan be wid you.
TRINI: Chek nah, ah wan tuh breed yuh.
BAJAN: Yuh gunna gimme piece or wha?

CANADIAN: There are a lot of men out there, that I can date besides you.
JAMAICAN: Tree no grow in me face ya know.
TRINI: Real men chek fuh me
BAJAN: When one door shut anudder one does open.

CANADIAN: He is such a womanizer.
JAMAICAN: Him walk bout like dawg, every light post him si, him haffi stap.
TRINI: Hees ah real sweetman
BAJAN: Heez de man.

CANADIAN: He is such a kind, sensitive man.
JAMAICAN: Him a saawfas man.
TRINI: Heez a sorfman
BAJAN: Heez a buller !

CANADIAN: You have a crumb on your face, dear.
JAMAICAN: You look like when fowl come from mango walk.
TRINI: Yuh have ting on yuh face
BAJAN: Uh uuuh!!! Wuz dah on you face???

CANADIAN: Oh, I see you are entering puberty.
JAMAICAN: How you face bumpy-bumpy like grater so?
TRINI: Yuh face real juk up
BAJAN: Ya face look like a ripe sour-sop.

CANADIAN: Honestly, I don't know the answer.
JAMAICAN: Ah wah you a bodda me guthole fa?
TRINI: I eh know !
BAJAN: WHA???

CANADIAN: Hors d'heurves
JAMAICAN: Ah wah dis yah likkle sinting you a gi me?
TRINI: Wey de food ?
BAJAN: Horse Derves.


CANADIAN: Casserole
JAMAICAN: Putto-putto
TRINI: Pelau
BAJAN: Cou-Cou

CANADIAN: Aeroplane
JAMAICAN: Silver bird
TRINI: Tri Star
BAJAN: Bee-wee

CANADIAN: Bank teller
JAMAICAN: Bank clark
TRINI: Big wok
BAJAN: Tellar

CANADIAN: Taxi
JAMAICAN: Robot
TRINI: Maxi
BAJAN: ZR

CANADIAN: Speed bumps
JAMAICAN: Sleeping Policeman
TRINI: Road humps
BAJAN: Cheese don bread, dem tryin' tuh mash up muh shocks

CANADIAN: He looks upset
JAMAICAN: Him have screwface
TRINI: Dat man real vex
BAJAN: He real screwpouch ya.

CANADIAN: She sleeps around
JAMAICAN: She flighty
TRINI: Real men dig dat gurl
BAJAN: Boy you, she wutless as shite !

'Have sex with my wife'

The Old Harbour police responded to an unusual call on Tuesday, when they were summoned by a man who had trouble convincing neighbours that a man they saw entering his house was not an intruder but was paid to make love to his wife.

Reports are that the 45-year-old man could no longer satisfy his wife as a lover and enlisted a younger man to have sex with her. However, neighbours saw the man entering and leaving the premises regularly and confronted both men for an explanation.

At approximately 8:00 a.m., the distressed husband called lawmen to pacify a crowd that had gathered outside his house.

"After we went to the dwelling, we saw the husband who had called us and the wife and another man in his early thirties," a sub-officer at the Old Harbour Police Station told The STAR.

"It was pointed out to us by the husband that he had enlisted the services of the younger male for his wife, as he is unable to deliver."

When The STAR visited the area, several residents expressed concern about the strange actions of the husband. They claimed that they were demanding an explanation as to why someone would want to have such an arrangement.

Both the husband and his 'co-worker' were approached by the newsteam but each declined to comment.

The lawmen acted professionally by explaining to the irate residents that it is a contractual agreement among consenting adults and that there was no breach of the law.

Meanwhile, the residents said that they have never heard of a man getting another male to service his wife but rather, they have known of cases where men prevented this from happening.

"Bwoy this ya service bull ya really lucky, as the three a dem a live happily like something out of a story book," remarked a resident.

The STAR made checks with several clergymen who said that the husband's actions are immoral and that he is in need of a spiritual baptism.

You Know Ur A True West Indian When....


I don't walk on the sidewalk ... I walk on pavement.
I know that bake is not baked!!
I know what it is like to be "sent for de belt"!!
I believe that children need discipline.
I walk wit my own pepper sauce!!
"A beer is a Carib"....so is : Stag, Banks, Red Stripe, Guiness, Hairoun,
Royal Extra but these are also refreshments: ... Ting, Chubby, Mauby, Irish
Moss, Sea Moss.
Sorrel is a Christmas drink, not eggnog.
I soak my cake in rum!!
My favorite topics of debate are: 1. Rice and peas vs Peas and rice.
2. Pelau vs cookup rice.
3. Curry chicken vs chicken curry.

When I reach home I change into my home/house clothes!!
Licks is not a restaurant.
Everyone is my auntie, tantie, uncle or cousin!! (courtesy family)!!
Moth balls are everywhere in my house.
I have a freezer in my basement or back room.
Shadow is not a ghost...But a jumbie or duppy might be!!
No matter how old I am, I call my parents mummy and daddy.
I know the meaning of "dahl", "channa", "anchar", "kurma" and
"buss-up-shot".
I love soca (goes without saying) and dub.
I can call my fellow country man by an ethnic name fondly and it would be
Okay. E.G.: darkie, reds, dougs, chinee-man, yellow, Creole, red-man,
White-boy.
"You betta study yuh book" is what I hear when I got 98 out of 100 on a
Test..
My parents ask me "what de ass .. Happen to the other 2 marks??"
I have someone in my family that is a mechanic,a nurse, and a contractor.
I don't go to the grocery store I go to the market to make groceries.
I know that bake goes with: bigon, bulljol, smoke herring, salt fish.
I've washed and re-used plastic and Styrofoam cups..to go with the
Plastic take-out spoons and forks cutlery set in the draw.
It is not vegetables it is veg-ey-tables.
Tripe is a delicacy, fish is brain food.
Castor and cod liver oil is good for you.
I have a wall unit in my dining room filled with the "good dishes"!!
I know the difference between wine, whine and wine!!!
Someone in my family has a cd or mini boxing gloves with my flag on it
Hanging from the rear-view mirror in your car.
I don't photocopy.... I xerox!!

1-2-3

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to a Jamaican obeah man.
man who he goes to visit when he goes on holiday to Negril.

The obeah  man says, 'I can cure this.' With that said, he throws a
white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, 'This is powerful medicine but you can only use it once a
year.
All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!'The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want
to continue?'
The Obeah man replies: 'All you or your partner has to say is 1234,
and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year.'
Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise his wife.
He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and
cologne.

After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, '123' and suddenly he becomes more aroused than
anytime in his life, just as the Obeah man had promised.
His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over
and asks, 'What did you say 123 for?'
And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition!

Jamaica is ..

"Blue Mountain Coffee and Sorrel."
"Kola Champagne, Manish Water."
"Jerk Pork, Scotch Bonnet, Hardough Bread.
"FryFish & Bammy, Coco Bread & Patty.
"Irie, Nyabingi, Boogooyaga, Legobeast.
"Cornmeal Dumplin, Dasheen, Yam, Coco."
"Pimento, Ackee & SaltFish, Black Mango, Star
Apple."

Jamaica is
"Anancey and Big Boy stories."
"Jackfruit, Juneplum, Nesberry, Ginep and
Hogplum."
"Busta, Icey mint, and Paradise plum."
"Tinking toe, Drops, Gizzada, and Grater cake."
"Bun and cheese, and Sorrel and Rum cake."
"OLIVER SAMUELS"
"Doouckunu, Dip and Fall Back, Run-down."
"Bulla, Totoe , Festival and SaltFish Fritters.
"Peppa shrimps, blue draws, Roast breadfruit and
corned pork."

Jamaica is
"Cool runnings, cease and settle, haul and pull up
& nuff respect."
"Reggae Boyz. "
"Rum and Red Stripe."
"Kin-Puppa-Lick !!, Blouse and skirt !!, Gouzum !!"
"Rhattid !!, Blough-wow !!, Geeze-u-wiz !!
"Suck-suck and sky-juice."
"Wi likkle but wi tal-a-wa!"
"Wey yu a sey, What a gwan & How it a go dung"
"bull-buck and duppy conqueror"
"Zinc fence and gully water."

Jamaica is
"Escoviche fish, julie mango, Oxtail, tripe&beans."
"Icy mint an bus-mi-jaw."
"Stop de cow bawlng eena de place."
"Anyting wha sweet yu gwine sour yu."
Weh yu "kibba yu mout"
"Nu mek mi spit an it dry up before yu cum back"
"Blouse an' skirt, and kiss mi neck back

JAMAICA IS EVERYTHING WE ARE AND MUCH MUCH
MORE...JAMAICA LAND WE
LOVE!!
IF YOU LOOK AT THIS LIST AND YOUR HEART
SMILES...YOU'RE DEFINATELY
JAMAICAN SEND THIS TO ALL JAMAICANS ON YOUR LIST

RESPECT IN EVERY ASPECT!!!!!

"Only In Jamaica "

Only in Jamaica, citizens have to protect police from gunman.
Only in Jamaica, you'll have police cars parked at rum bars.
Only in Jamaica, can people strike everyday just not to go to work.
Only in Jamaica, gal fat up demself wid foul pill and bleach out dem
skin wid toothpaste.
Only in Jamaica, prisoners are allowed to have cell phone fe run dem
operation and report warden to dem posse.
Only in Jamaica, the Airport people can tell you bout yuh parts and
there is nobody to report them to.
Only in Jamaica, when you go t a restaurant, the waiter tells you
hold on so he can watch the football game.
Only in Jamaica, tief tie up security guard and steal him German
Shepherd Guard Dog.
Only in Jamaica, you can step up and step down in a bus same time.
Only in Jamaica, you can borrow somebody else side of the road fi
drive pon till yours get better.
Only in Jamaica, the more mess politician mek is the more pay dem
get.
Only in Jamaica, SUV can' pass road test.
Only in Jamaica, you have bicycle-by shootings.
Only in Jamaica, the Gulf-War still affect gas price.
Only in Jamaica, can a thief hold you up and ask you to walk wid more
money the next time.
Only in Jamaica, police go to arrest a thief without a handcuff.
Only in Jamaica, do you see a driver and a passenger in a cab sharing
the same seat.
Only in Jamaica, police are afraid of criminals.
Only in Jamaica, is the greatest tourist attraction a Rent-a-Dread.
Only in Jamaica, can Ganja be the best form of agriculture in the
country.
Only in Jamaica, can you be taxed for excessive use of oxygen.
Only in Jamaica, does every one drive a deportee and the less
fortunate, a Lada.
Only in Jamaica, can you report a crime in progress and the police
tell you to stop interrupting the domino game.

You know you are in Jamaica when even the baddest D.J. becomes a
Christian.
Yuh have potholes so big when yuh drop in, yuh can come out.
You know you are ina Jamaica when someone is wearing a bubble jacket
in 100 degree heat because "dem waan ina de lick"
You know you are in Jamaica when the last general election was called
a bashment.

You know you are in Jamaica when it is 96 degrees and you need no
shade...because nowhere else in the world could you go and find such
peace of mind and contentment wid so much madness and confusion at
the same time.
same time.
Once upon a time every J'can come from Kingston, now dem seem to come
from everywhere but Kingston. "

And old Indian man

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe, and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him.
One US official asked Chief Two Eagles. "You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"
The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied:
"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
NoTaxes,
No Debt,
Plenty Buffalo,
Plenty Beaver,
Women Did All The Work,
Medicine Man Free,
Indian Man Spent All Day Hunting And Fishing,
All Night Having Sex."
Then the Chief leaned back and smiled . . .
. "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."