How To Love Your Jamaican Man
1. Never ask where yu man has been, where him coming from or where him going Don't always feel him going to another woman. If yu treated him right he will soon come back. If him don't come back, well you have to work pon dat!
2. Always make sure de food deh pon de table when him come thru de door. Member, "regular fried dumpling keeps your man a humping".
3. Don't forget the "Irish Moss" and "Guinness". A nuff ah dem like pork, but just don't call it pork ... yu mad! Call it a fancy foreign name like ham or franks! Ah it dem mother did grow dem up pon.
4. Never get upset if he accidentally sleeps with yuh friend, sister, or even mother. That only means he is a good man, dem would have never slept with him if him was worthless! Is dem fault fi a pressure him!
5. Never tell yuh man seh yu pregnant - well, not til yuh hide him passport!
6. Never ask how many baby mother yuh man have. Dis may lead to embarrassment because him may have lost count.
7. If him grab yuh up! Tell him that's not how to show love, some think that is the way but don't call de police. It don't mek no sense, because you always end up bailing him out of jail.
8. Never tell yuh man is not your real hair! Dem love long hair gal. Keep telling him dat you're half-Chinese or yu have Indjun in yuh family.
9. Don't listen to your girlfriends advice, especially if dem don't have no man. How can someone with no man tell you how to keep one. Dem always telling you that 'him controlling yu'. She just want someone to keep her company because she have no man. Some of dem even have funny intentions.
10. Never ask to drive your man's car, or give him directions, or tell him to ask for directions when he is lost. Him soon find him way! Grin and bear it.
11. Never ask for your man's home number and address ... some ladies get this strange idea after seeing their man fe three years and having several children for him that this somehow entitles dem to dis privileged information. Be realistic! The relationship is still in its early stages. However, your man might feel generous and offer up his cell phone or pager digits. Be grateful!!!
Monday, November 27, 2006
Sunday, August 20, 2006
The duck
Three Jamaican women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Three Jamaican women die together in an accident
and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Little Math Test
A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he
passes a little math test.
Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using
numbers,represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds
to draw three trees.
What's this?" the boss asks
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the
Jamaican.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use
the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the
picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that
represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to
hire this Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,
but represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you
go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that
represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of
each tree and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now
you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a
turd, which makes one hundred."
"So, when I start?"
Interact
A Jamaican, a Bajan, and a Trini all went to a strip club.
A sweet looking lady came up to them and began to dance up.
First she went up to the Jamaican boy. He took a $10 and stuffed in
in her bra.
She took the $10 out, then took off her bra and went up to the Bajan
man. So the Bajan man took $10 and stuffed it in her panties.
She took the $10 out, and then took off her panties and went up to
the Trini man. While dancing on him, she suddenly felt something
SWIPE in between her ass. She turnes her face to the Trini
man and he says "I eh have money, yuh take Interact?"
A Jamaican, a Bajan, and a Trini all went to a strip club.
A sweet looking lady came up to them and began to dance up.
First she went up to the Jamaican boy. He took a $10 and stuffed in
in her bra.
She took the $10 out, then took off her bra and went up to the Bajan
man. So the Bajan man took $10 and stuffed it in her panties.
She took the $10 out, and then took off her panties and went up to
the Trini man. While dancing on him, she suddenly felt something
SWIPE in between her ass. She turnes her face to the Trini
man and he says "I eh have money, yuh take Interact?"
Monday, May 29, 2006
Sperm Count
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand,
then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing."
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried,
we still couldn't get the jar open."
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Duties of a Wife
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The 1st man had married an Asian woman
and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.
The 2nd man had married a White woman.
Bettye White
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the 1st day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the 3rd day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The 3rd man married a Black woman.
He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the 1st day he didn't see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything but by the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The 1st man had married an Asian woman
and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple of days but on the 3rd day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.
The 2nd man had married a White woman.
Bettye White
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the 1st day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the 3rd day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The 3rd man married a Black woman.
He boasted that he had told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the 1st day he didn't see anything, the 2nd day he didn't see anything but by the 3rd day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a landscaper.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
The prostitute
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been a this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been a this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."
"YE WHAT!!? OUT OF HERE, YE SHAMELESS HARLOT! SINNER! YOU'RE A DISCRACE TO THIS FAMILY!"
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...."
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!.Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Jamaican vs Hamerican Henglish
USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl...
.JAM: Gyal, you noh dead yet?
USA: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again.
JAM: Lawd Gad... current lock awff again to rahtid!
USA: This meal is not too bad
JAM: Di food cyan eat
USA: Where did you buy that awful bracelet Cindy?
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat-deh big ole ugly bangle deh missis?
USA: Hors d'oeurves?
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me?
USA: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof
JAM: Hey dutty puss...come awff a di housetap before a buss yuhrass!
USA: I think something is wrong with Susan. She might have the flu.
JAM: Lawd Gad... obiya tek up Suzie!
USA: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate!
JAM: Lawd mi Gad, mi bruk up mamma stoosh crackry!
USA: Aren't those pants a bit short?
JAM: Yuh did expek flood or yuh tek yuh mezament inna wata?
USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?
JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem.
USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
JAM: Aye, buff-teet bwoy, tap fling up, fling-up mi bag dem suh man.
USA: I wish you would quit lying.
JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.
USA: Lift up the hood of the car for me John.
JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!
USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long!!
JAM: But wait, no robot naah run todeh
USA: Get me a pop please?
JAM: Beg yuh carry wan drinks fi mi deh..
USA: It's time for a Perm.
JAM: Gyal, yuh hed waan cream. Yuh noh si how it tough?
USA: Yuck! This is nasty!
JAM: Kiss mi neckback!! What a sinting tase bad an incipid!!
USA: I wish you would close your mouth.
JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyan shut.
USA: Girl, your acne is terrible
JAM: Massagad, pickeny, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh..
USA: Please make some room on the bus so this man can have a seat.
JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.
USA: I have a stomach ache.
JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi.
USA: These mangoes look a bit over-ripe.
JAM: Missis, move fran in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh.
USA: He has very large, full eyes.
JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo
USA: He has no manners.
JAM: Him no have no broughupsi
USA: Perspiration odour
JAM: Him smell green
USA: Poached (boiled) chicken
JAM: Dat deh singtin nuh start cook yet
USA: Oh, dear
JAM: ee-eeeeee
USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl...
.JAM: Gyal, you noh dead yet?
USA: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again.
JAM: Lawd Gad... current lock awff again to rahtid!
USA: This meal is not too bad
JAM: Di food cyan eat
USA: Where did you buy that awful bracelet Cindy?
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat-deh big ole ugly bangle deh missis?
USA: Hors d'oeurves?
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me?
USA: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof
JAM: Hey dutty puss...come awff a di housetap before a buss yuhrass!
USA: I think something is wrong with Susan. She might have the flu.
JAM: Lawd Gad... obiya tek up Suzie!
USA: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate!
JAM: Lawd mi Gad, mi bruk up mamma stoosh crackry!
USA: Aren't those pants a bit short?
JAM: Yuh did expek flood or yuh tek yuh mezament inna wata?
USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?
JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem.
USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
JAM: Aye, buff-teet bwoy, tap fling up, fling-up mi bag dem suh man.
USA: I wish you would quit lying.
JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.
USA: Lift up the hood of the car for me John.
JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!
USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long!!
JAM: But wait, no robot naah run todeh
USA: Get me a pop please?
JAM: Beg yuh carry wan drinks fi mi deh..
USA: It's time for a Perm.
JAM: Gyal, yuh hed waan cream. Yuh noh si how it tough?
USA: Yuck! This is nasty!
JAM: Kiss mi neckback!! What a sinting tase bad an incipid!!
USA: I wish you would close your mouth.
JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyan shut.
USA: Girl, your acne is terrible
JAM: Massagad, pickeny, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh..
USA: Please make some room on the bus so this man can have a seat.
JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.
USA: I have a stomach ache.
JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi.
USA: These mangoes look a bit over-ripe.
JAM: Missis, move fran in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh.
USA: He has very large, full eyes.
JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo
USA: He has no manners.
JAM: Him no have no broughupsi
USA: Perspiration odour
JAM: Him smell green
USA: Poached (boiled) chicken
JAM: Dat deh singtin nuh start cook yet
USA: Oh, dear
JAM: ee-eeeeee
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Dark in here..
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son is hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here.."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sits in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son is hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.
The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here.."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."
A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sits in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."