Me Waan Chicken

A man walked into a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in Jamaica and “passed out” on the floor. People gathered around to help him by fanning and doing everything they could to help him regain conciousness.

Someone peeled an orange and started squeezing the juice into his mouth, whereupon the man suddenly came back to life, pushed the person away and yelled, “Luk yah man! If me did want orange, me woulda fall down in de market.”

Mi Madda Get Lick Dung

A bus was involved in an accident on the busy Half-Way Tree Road on Friday afternoon.

As expected, traffic came to a stand-still, and a large vocal crowd gathered. A male reporter from one of our ‘big’ newspapers, anxious to get his story could not get near the bus or the victim(s). Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, ” Unnuh let me through! Let me through! A mi madda get lick-dung. “

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the bus was a donkey.

Pum Pum Apples

A guy is driving his Kriss deportee down a dusty Jamaican country road when he sees a sign, “Star apples J$100.00 each”.

Curious to find out why one star apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the star apples are so expensive. The farmer says, “Bway dese are special bulla and pear star apples. Here, try one nuh?” The man takes a bite and says, “Unbelievable; I taste the pear, but not the bulla.” The farmer says, “Just turn it around an bite again man.” He does so and he savours a sweet bulla.

The farmer says, “Mi have fish an’ festival star apple, too, but dem is $200.00 each.” The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, “Wow, these are great but I taste the fish but not the festival!.” The farmer says, “Just turn it around, man.” He does, takes a bite and the unmistakable taste of a sweet crunchy festival fills his mouth.

The farmer nods in approval and says, “Now, if you really like dat, mi ‘ave some extra special apples dat cost $500.00 each. They’re pum pum apples.” “Pum Pum apples?” The man cannot resist and whips out his $500.00 note. He takes a bite and spits out in disgust, shouting “YUCK, these taste like shit!” The farmer cooly responds, “Jus’ tun it ’round, man!!”

You know you are on a flight to Jamaica When …

- You get to the airport before the Air Jamaica counter staff

- Everybody is checking in suitcases the size of a refrigerator

- The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says “Yuh only have one piece? Beg yu check een dis ya piece ah luggage fah mi nuh. DO!”

- Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the p.a. system starts to say “this is NOT a boarding announcement.”

- You can’t get on board because somebody in front of you is trying to get a motor vehicle engine block into the overhead compartment

- At least one passenger is accompanied by an armed Federal Agent

- You can only get the Observer to read, no Gleaner roun’ here

- People are trying to figure out what “Port of Embarkation” means

- The passenger next to you slowly leans away from you while raising one leg and mutters “Yes bwoy, DAT is gas!”

- Somebody hands a flight attendant a paper bag and asks her to “heat up dis ya patty fi mi nuh baby”

- The plane starts to descend, and a woman in the seat behind you says to her friend … “Come Darris, time fi go tile-it an’ tidy!”

- The overhead compartment smells like fish, jerk chicken and rum … then something from up there starts to drip on you.

- Most of the passengers clap when the plane lands

- While the plane is still moving and taxi-ing to the terminal, people are unbuckling their seat belts, grabbing their hand luggage and heading towards the plane door

- Everybody who have a big screen TV, a boom-box and a microwave go straight to the “Nothing to Declare” line in Customs.