The prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been a this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"YE WHAT!!? OUT OF HERE, YE SHAMELESS HARLOT! SINNER! YOU'RE A DISCRACE TO THIS FAMILY!"
"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant!.Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

Jamaican vs Hamerican Henglish

USA: It's been a long time since I have seen you girl...
.JAM: Gyal, you noh dead yet?

USA: Oh Lord, we have lost electricity again.
JAM: Lawd Gad... current lock awff again to rahtid!

USA: This meal is not too bad
JAM: Di food cyan eat

USA: Where did you buy that awful bracelet Cindy?
JAM: A weh yuh buy dat-deh big ole ugly bangle deh missis?

USA: Hors d'oeurves?
JAM: Ah wah dis likkle sinting yuh a gi me?

USA: Here kitty kitty... get down from the roof
JAM: Hey dutty puss...come awff a di housetap before a buss yuhrass!

USA: I think something is wrong with Susan. She might have the flu.
JAM: Lawd Gad... obiya tek up Suzie!

USA: Oh my God, I just broke mom's expensive plate!
JAM: Lawd mi Gad, mi bruk up mamma stoosh crackry!

USA: Aren't those pants a bit short?
JAM: Yuh did expek flood or yuh tek yuh mezament inna wata?

USA: Why are you squeezing the mangoes like that?
JAM: Lissen to mi nuh, mi a beg yuh stap fingle-fingle up di mango dem.

USA: Sir, please don't throw my luggage like that.
JAM: Aye, buff-teet bwoy, tap fling up, fling-up mi bag dem suh man.

USA: I wish you would quit lying.
JAM: Tap di blinkin lyin, yuh ole liyad.

USA: Lift up the hood of the car for me John.
JAM: Hey my yute, fly di bonett rasta!

USA: I am waiting for a taxi and it's taking so long!!
JAM: But wait, no robot naah run todeh

USA: Get me a pop please?
JAM: Beg yuh carry wan drinks fi mi deh..

USA: It's time for a Perm.
JAM: Gyal, yuh hed waan cream. Yuh noh si how it tough?

USA: Yuck! This is nasty!
JAM: Kiss mi neckback!! What a sinting tase bad an incipid!!

USA: I wish you would close your mouth.
JAM: Yuh mout come in like when grip cyan shut.

USA: Girl, your acne is terrible
JAM: Massagad, pickeny, yuh face bumpy-bumpy an fayva grayta eeh..

USA: Please make some room on the bus so this man can have a seat.
JAM: Schoolas, small up unnu self man mek daddy siddung.

USA: I have a stomach ache.
JAM: Mi belly ah gripe mi.

USA: These mangoes look a bit over-ripe.
JAM: Missis, move fran in front ah mi wid dem fluxy mango deh.

USA: He has very large, full eyes.
JAM: Wat ah bway fayva patoo

USA: He has no manners.
JAM: Him no have no broughupsi

USA: Perspiration odour
JAM: Him smell green

USA: Poached (boiled) chicken
JAM: Dat deh singtin nuh start cook yet

USA: Oh, dear
JAM: ee-eeeeee

Dark in here..


A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
Unknown to her, her 9 year old son is hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here.."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "$250."

A few weeks later it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "$750."
Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go
outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "$1,000." The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sits in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

A me one dey yah


A Rastaman went to visit an old family friend. The Rastaman knock pon di door and smaddy inside seh: " a who dat?" The rastaman said: " It is I and I, Jah Rastafari, Kings of kings, Lord of lords, conquering lion of the tribe of Judah, son of Haile Selassie I" . The person inside replied: "A me one dey yah and mi nah open mi door fi so much a oonu".

'Jamaica coailition' proposed in Germany
berlin, (reuters)

JAMAICA APPEARED AN unlikely winner of Germany's general election on Monday as a coalition of parties sharing the colours of its flag became a possibility.
Germans often refer to parties by their colours: red for the Social Democrats, black for the conservatives, yellow for the Free Democrats and, predictably, green for the Greens.
Sunday's inconclusive election result means an inventive new alliance may be needed to replace the old 'red-green' coalition.
Television commentator Joerg Schoenenborn mentioned the idea of a 'Jamaica coalition' ­ black, yellow and green, like the island's flag ­ on Sunday after exit polls were published.
Within three hours it was being used by economists, politicians, journalists and travel agents.

"I didn't even know the term 'Jamaica coalition' existed," said Joschka Fischer, Germany's Greens foreign minister.
"When I heard that yesterday, I was very diplomatic and didn't pull a face. But in my head you could imagine what I was seeing: I saw people sitting around in dreadlocks with joints in their hands, and reggae music playing in the background."

Marcia Gilbert-Roberts, Jamaica's ambassador, seized the chance of tourist publicity to advertise to travel-mad Germans.
"If such a coalition comes to fruition, then we'll invite all concerned to Jamaica," she was quoted as saying in an interview with Financial Times Germany.

HOW TO HANDLE A HUSBAND

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in
Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of
the town.


"What a peaceful & loving couple". The local newspaper reporter was
inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.


"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America," explained the man. "We
visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of
the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled
and she almost fell off.


My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."


We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time
causing her to drop her water.

Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."


We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for a third time. My
wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I
shouted at her, "What 's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor
animal like that? Are you crazy??"


She looked at me, and quietly said, "That's once."


And from that moment... we have lived happily ever after."

Subject: confession

A woman takes a lover home during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.

The little boy says, "Dark in here.
"The man says, "Yes it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball."
Man- "That's nice.
"Boy- "Want to buy it?"
Man- "No, thanks."
Boy- "My dad's outside."
Man- "OK, how much?"
Boy- "$250."
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy- "Dark in here."
Man- "Yes, it is."
Boy- "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy- "$750."
Man- "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

A Matter Of Sight

1997 World Women's Conference.

The First speaker from England spoke: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself."
"After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America spoke: "After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his Laundry and that he would have to do it himself.
After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well." The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Jamaica spoke: "Hafter las' year conference wen mi go ome an tell mi usband seh mi nah do nuh more cookin fi im nor cleanin nor shoppin, an dat im woulda haffi do dem imself.
Hafter di fus day mi nuh si nothin. Hafter di second day, mi still nuh si nothin neither. But hafter di third day, as the swelling go dung, me coulda si a likkle bit outta mi left eye."




A Fly In The Beer

One day a Jamaican, a Trinidadian, and a Bajan walked into a rum shop together. They proceeded to each buy a Banks Beer.

Just as they where about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their beers.

The Jamaican pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

The Trini fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.

The Bajan picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling. "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU IGRANT BRUTE!"


Author unknown

A Young Jamaican Yute

A young Jamaican yute, Errol, asks his step-dad for some help.

He says, "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His step-father looks up thoughtfully, and says, "Mek mi show yuh. Go ask yuh muddah if she would sleep with Beres "Hammond fi one million dollar. Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollar. Then go ask yuh brudah if he would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollar. Then come back and tell me what yu fine out."

The yute is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his stepfather means. He asks his mother, "Mammy if someone gave you a m illion dollars would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell yuh poopah, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her, "Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His sister looks up and says, "Cho! Him kinda old still but wid de amount a clothes mi coulda buy definitely me wudda give him a grine!"

Then he goes to his brother's room and asks him, "Hey bro, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His brother thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fyah bun fi dem ting deh but fi a million bucks, I suppose I would. Just one time duh".

Errol goes back to his stepfather and says, "Poopah mi tink mi figured it out! Potentially, wi sittin on tree million dollars, but in reality, wi ah live wid two skettel an ah battyman.

Subject: Looking for the right Jamaican



A Jamaican woman was walking along the banks of
Dunn's River Falls when she stumbled upon a old
empty bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and
lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. She talked with him
awhile then the Genie told her he would grant her
ONE wish. She said she heard from a cousin that she
would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.

The Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a
story-tale myth. I'm a ONE-WISH Genie. So... what'll
it be?" The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want
peace in the Middle East. See this map, I want these
countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all
the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa.

It will bring about world peace and harmony. " The Genie
looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lawd Lady, A wah
wrang wid yu? PLEASE BE REASONABLE! These
countries have been at war for thousands of years.
I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred
years. I'm good, but NOT THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it
can be done. " PLEASE make another wish and please
a beg yu... Be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've
never been able to find the right Jamaican man...
You know, one that DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, is
considerate and fun, likes to dance and helps with the
cooking & house--cleaning, is great in bed and gets
along FAITHFUL and loves to worship.That's what I
wish for... a good Jamaican man.

The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Let me see that freakin' map again."

Q, What do you get when you cross a donkey and an onion?

Usually tears in your eyes but once in a while you get a nice piece of asss that brings tears to your eyes.

Still in mourning

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten
out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains. Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning." Now he knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except that he has a black condom over his erection. She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences.

SEVEN TYPES OF FEMALE ORGASMS

1. Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes................
2. Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No....................
3. Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No....
4. Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming..........
5. Religious - Oh God, Oh God.........................
6. Greedy - Ahh, More, More, More.....................
7. Murderer - Ahh, if you take it out, I'll kill you...

Bell Four

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station... Bell 1 rings - we
put on our jackets!

Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole!

Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go!

From now on, when I says 'Bell One' me want you to strip naked. When I says Bell Two', you jump on de bed. When I says 'Bell Tree', we's gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night he came home and shouted
Bell One' and she stripped naked.
Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
Bell Tree', and they started to make love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".
"An what de hell is 'Bell Four'?", the fireman yelled.
She replied "Roll out more hose, man, roll out more hose. You aint nowhere near de fire."

A Jamaican guy walks into a whorehouse in New York

A Jamaican guy walks into a whorehouse in New York and asks, "You have a girl work here from Jamaica name Arlene?"
"Yes," answers the madam. "Go on up to Room 6." So the fellow went up to Room 6 and knocked on the door. When the woman answered, he asked "Yu name Arlene, don't it?"
"Yeah man, a me dat," replied the woman.
"Well, a have a couple Hundred dollas...." he proudly announced.
With that, the hooker interrupted him, grabbed the money, opened the door wide and hauled him by the shirt into the room. After a little rest from the vigorous sex, the fellow got up to leave. "Will you be here tomorrow?" he asked.
"Yeah Man," Arlene said, "Me will deh yah."
The next night, the fellow comes back and gives up $200. When they were done, he's sitting on the side of the bed, and asks. "Will you be here tomorrow night?"
"Honey," replied the hooker, "Mi deh yah every night fi you".
Night comes and the fellow was back in action. When they were done, they are both sitting on the edge of the bed.
"Tell me sumthin'," Arlene said, "what part of Jamaica yu from?"
"Portmore," replied the fellow with a satisfied grin.
"True ? Me have one sister live inna Portmore yuh know!" the hooker exclaimed.
"I know dat," the fellow replied, "She gimme six hundred dollas fi gi yu!"

A blonde joke

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy", she yelled.
"We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four,
but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good", said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde", said the mommy.

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy", she
yelled. "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could
only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"

"Very good", said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy", she
yelled. "We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other
girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to
reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good", said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"

"No, Honey, it's because you're 24."

Subject: Cold Winters in the Caribbean
>
> A lady goes on a vacation to the Caribbean wishing her husband had
> been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and
> after a night of passionate love making she asks him,
> "What is your name?"
> "I can't tell you," the black man says.
>
> Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his
> name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her
> last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
> "I can't because you will make fun of me," the black man says.
> "There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
> "Fine, my name is Snow," the black man replies.
>
> The lady bursts into laughter and the man gets mad and says,
> "I knew you would make fun of it". The lady replied, "It's my
> husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10
> inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!

Password Rejected


A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer,
and
at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need
to
choose and enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the
shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer
asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife
that
he was keying in, "p..e..n..i..s".

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

Sex Education and Christmas Trees

A young boy asks his father,
"Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs ?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't....there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions, Dad ?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...."
Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother,
"Mom, how many kind of penises are there ?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers,
"Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree ?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration...

Obsessions




A Psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children..."You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving