A man walked into a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant in Jamaica and “passed out” on the floor. People gathered around to help him by fanning and doing everything they could to help him regain conciousness.
Someone peeled an orange and started squeezing the juice into his mouth, whereupon the man suddenly came back to life, pushed the person away and yelled, “Luk yah man! If me did want orange, me woulda fall down in de market.”
A bus was involved in an accident on the busy Half-Way Tree Road on Friday afternoon.
As expected, traffic came to a stand-still, and a large vocal crowd gathered. A male reporter from one of our ‘big’ newspapers, anxious to get his story could not get near the bus or the victim(s). Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, ” Unnuh let me through! Let me through! A mi madda get lick-dung. “
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the bus was a donkey.
A guy is driving his Kriss deportee down a dusty Jamaican country road when he sees a sign, “Star apples J$100.00 each”.
Curious to find out why one star apple should cost that much, he stops and asks the farmer why the star apples are so expensive. The farmer says, “Bway dese are special bulla and pear star apples. Here, try one nuh?” The man takes a bite and says, “Unbelievable; I taste the pear, but not the bulla.” The farmer says, “Just turn it around an bite again man.” He does so and he savours a sweet bulla.
The farmer says, “Mi have fish an’ festival star apple, too, but dem is $200.00 each.” The man is excited, buys one, takes a bite and says, “Wow, these are great but I taste the fish but not the festival!.” The farmer says, “Just turn it around, man.” He does, takes a bite and the unmistakable taste of a sweet crunchy festival fills his mouth.
The farmer nods in approval and says, “Now, if you really like dat, mi ‘ave some extra special apples dat cost $500.00 each. They’re pum pum apples.” “Pum Pum apples?” The man cannot resist and whips out his $500.00 note. He takes a bite and spits out in disgust, shouting “YUCK, these taste like shit!” The farmer cooly responds, “Jus’ tun it ’round, man!!”
- You get to the airport before the Air Jamaica counter staff
- Everybody is checking in suitcases the size of a refrigerator
- The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says “Yuh only have one piece? Beg yu check een dis ya piece ah luggage fah mi nuh. DO!”
- Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the p.a. system starts to say “this is NOT a boarding announcement.”
- You can’t get on board because somebody in front of you is trying to get a motor vehicle engine block into the overhead compartment
- At least one passenger is accompanied by an armed Federal Agent
- You can only get the Observer to read, no Gleaner roun’ here
- People are trying to figure out what “Port of Embarkation” means
- The passenger next to you slowly leans away from you while raising one leg and mutters “Yes bwoy, DAT is gas!”
- Somebody hands a flight attendant a paper bag and asks her to “heat up dis ya patty fi mi nuh baby”
- The plane starts to descend, and a woman in the seat behind you says to her friend … “Come Darris, time fi go tile-it an’ tidy!”
- The overhead compartment smells like fish, jerk chicken and rum … then something from up there starts to drip on you.
- Most of the passengers clap when the plane lands
- While the plane is still moving and taxi-ing to the terminal, people are unbuckling their seat belts, grabbing their hand luggage and heading towards the plane door
- Everybody who have a big screen TV, a boom-box and a microwave go straight to the “Nothing to Declare” line in Customs.
'Have sex with my wife'
The Old Harbour police responded to an unusual call on Tuesday, when they were summoned by a man who had trouble convincing neighbours that a man they saw entering his house was not an intruder but was paid to make love to his wife.
Reports are that the 45-year-old man could no longer satisfy his wife as a lover and enlisted a younger man to have sex with her. However, neighbours saw the man entering and leaving the premises regularly and confronted both men for an explanation.
At approximately 8:00 a.m., the distressed husband called lawmen to pacify a crowd that had gathered outside his house.
"After we went to the dwelling, we saw the husband who had called us and the wife and another man in his early thirties," a sub-officer at the Old Harbour Police Station told The STAR.
"It was pointed out to us by the husband that he had enlisted the services of the younger male for his wife, as he is unable to deliver."
When The STAR visited the area, several residents expressed concern about the strange actions of the husband. They claimed that they were demanding an explanation as to why someone would want to have such an arrangement.
Both the husband and his 'co-worker' were approached by the newsteam but each declined to comment.
The lawmen acted professionally by explaining to the irate residents that it is a contractual agreement among consenting adults and that there was no breach of the law.
Meanwhile, the residents said that they have never heard of a man getting another male to service his wife but rather, they have known of cases where men prevented this from happening.
"Bwoy this ya service bull ya really lucky, as the three a dem a live happily like something out of a story book," remarked a resident.
The STAR made checks with several clergymen who said that the husband's actions are immoral and that he is in need of a spiritual baptism.1-2-3
Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform
sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but
nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to a Jamaican obeah man.
man who he goes to visit when he goes on holiday to Negril.
The obeah man says, 'I can cure this.' With that said, he throws a
white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says, 'This is powerful medicine but you can only use it once a
year.
All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as
you wish!'The man then asks, 'What happens when it's over, and I don't want
to continue?'
The Obeah man replies: 'All you or your partner has to say is 1234,
and it will go down. But be warned: It will not work again for another year.'
Harry rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise his wife.
He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and
cologne.
After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, '123' and suddenly he becomes more aroused than
anytime in his life, just as the Obeah man had promised.
His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over
and asks, 'What did you say 123 for?'
And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition!
***Warning Jamaican Dirty Jokes***
A joke by any other name can be sweeter. This is a web site of the best Jamaican dirty jokes and nothing but ..
Clean Jamaican Jokes
***Warning Jamaican Dirty Jokes***
A joke by any other name can be sweeter. This is a web site of the best Jamaican dirty jokes and nothing but ..
Clean Jamaican Jokes